Things I’ve Done While Working On This Book That I Would Not Otherwise Have Done

By ecossaise on January 5, 2012 in Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Nevada, New York, Oregon, Tennessee, Washington

1. Realised too late that I had forgotten the most vital element of my Halloween costume — tequila — and had to walk into a crowded Savannah Scottish bar dressed as a Scottish terrier, sober. First Dogs, Savannah, Georgia

2. Tried to play upwind while golfing on a desert sand course where they harden the sand round holes with leftover grease from the RV park diner. Tilted Kilts, Apache Junction, Arizona

3. Kept a wary eye out for sidewinders at the fifth hole and rattlesnakes on the seventh — the holes closest to the banks of snake holes scattered all over the Snakehole Golf and Country Club course. Tilted Kilts, Apache Junction, Arizona

4. Had to display ID several times to the same server in allegedly Scottish-themed bar where servers appear not to have been chosen for their intellects and have a combined IQ slightly below that of the average carrot. Tilted Kilts, Tempe, Arizona

5. Traveled in close proximity to a pot of fast-curdling sour cream — and its strung out owner — on a Greyhound bus to Olympia. The sour cream continued on to San Francisco. Hellhole of the Pacific, Olympia, Washington

6. Attended four Highland Games in quick succession. Portland, Oregon, Memphis, Tennessee, Las Vegas, Nevada and Gatlinburg, Tennessee

7. Cringed with horror at the sight of the finale of New York’s Tartan Day Parade — a bedraggled three-person/one-green-bedsheet-Nessie who had lost her middle legs somewhere further back along Avenue of the Americas. Killing the Chanter, New York and New Orleans

8. Became an unwilling part of a Jacobite love song recital in Memphis suburb. I am still recovering from the fear of freshly starched peasant smocks that this has instilled in me. Memphis, Tennessee

9. Got piped out of the parking lot of the Florida Police’s Blue Light Lounge by troupe of Floridian pipers. Banquet of Consequences, Fort Lauderdale, Florida

10. Drove Tennessee backroads at midnight with Dolly Parton’s third cousin. Land of My Heart Forever, Gatlinburg, Tennessee